Saturday, July 25, 2009

Obamachology

Dear Therapista,

I am a long-time supporter of President Obama and a big fan of his family. In fact, I think my own family has grown as a unit by following the press about the first family and modeling ourselves after them when we can. We even got a dog last month! But I have to admit that when I read about all of the President and Michelle's super glamorous dates, I get angry at my husband. He is a good man but we have not gone a date since I can remember. I don't want to nag, but I'd like a little romance myself!

Sincerely,

The Original Obama Girl



As a psychotherapist, it has been fascinating and inspiring to observe how the family psychology of the first family is influencing the psychology of our nation's families. As we observed the Obamas on the campaign trail, many of us took an interest in Obama the family that went far beyond Obama the candidate. Like so many of my therapy clients and my friends, our family has looked to the Obama family as a positive and inspiring role-model.

For example, the Obamas have forever changed mornings in our household. Upon reading about Sasha's and Malia's morning routine during the general election campaign, my then seven year old daughter easily convinced my then five year old daughter that they should emulate the Obama daughters. Sasha and Malia use their own alarms and make their own beds, so why shouldn't they? Next thing I knew, we were heading to Target where my girls each picked out their own alarm clocks (one chose Hello Kitty and the other chose funky digital neon) and began the Obama-inspired routine of waking up each morning on their own, dressing themselves and making their beds. I was not alone among both clients and friends to be super impressed to read that, once elected, Michelle Obama directed the White House staff to make her bed, but to continue to allow her daughters to take responsibility for their own bed making. How cool is that??!!

The Obamas are obviously not a spoiled family raising precious spoiled children. Quite the contrary, so many of us can see ourselves in the Obamas -- hard working families struggling to balance competing priorities of family, work, and home life and contend with with homework, housework and financial pressures. We try our best to support our children's social, financial and emotional needs and we often feel like we are on a treadmill that doesn't seem to stop. How unusual to have a first family who seems (well, SEEMED, until Air Force One and the White House staff came into the picture) to struggle with so many of our same pressures and stresses. Maybe I'm off with this, but it is hard to picture Jenna and Barbara Bush making their own beds. Likewise, while the Clintons did not enter the White House with the vast financial resources of the Bush family, we never really got the impression that Chelsea was doing much bed-making.

What's the big deal about bed-making anyway? Well, from a psychological perspective, perhaps bed making resonates because it encourages a degree of autonomy, drive and responsibility that many of today's children do not develop. There is meaning in waking up and taking care of yourself, doing for yourself, and starting your day following a parental message that independence is important. Bed-making at a young age represents the antithesis of the helicopter parenting that has become so popular today in which parents micro-manage and over-schedule their children. Such over-scheduling and micro-managing may be well intended, but, next thing you know, parents are choosing their college courses and running their children's young adult lives. Children raised with such helicoptering probably never, ever learn to adequately think for and care for themselves, much less make a bed!

So, Orignal Obama Girl, all of this is to say that I wholeheartedly relate to and encourage the influence the Obama's healthy approach to child-rearing is having on your family. And I think you and your husband can take some steps to emulate the positive dynamics of the first couples' marriage as well. Tell your husband that you want to establish a monthly or if possible weekly date night. Suggest a simple, affordable plan like an early picnic in the park that gets you out of the house during crazy dinner, bath, homework time and gives the two of you time to connect. But please, by all means, remember, your husband does not have Air Force One at his command or the ability to clear our a restaurant just to impress you.

When you read interviews with Michelle Obama, you will notice that she has, at times, been quite open about how hard it was on her marriage when she and her husband were both working full-time, struggling to pay off school loans and trying to raise two young daughters. The dates the Obamas have today are not the dates they had before all the Presidential hype entered their lives. In fact, their very first date was a simple trip to the ice cream parlor. Remember, what makes the Obamas so very psychologically appealing is that they seem so real. They do not pretend to be perfect. They do not perpetuate the kinds of fantasies associated with the mega wealth of the first family that occupied the White House for eight years prior to this administration.

The importance of making time to date and keeping romance alive cannot be overstated. As a wise pediatrician once told me, "make sure you hire a babysitter and go on dates -- it's expensive, but couples therapy is more expensive!" And that's where couples find themselves when they don't make the time and the effort to keep connected. With everything that life throws at you when you are trying to raise a family in this economy, keeping the romance alive and staying intimate takes work. Kindly remind your husband that romance is important, but remember, romance does not have to take the form of Air Force One and a trip to Broadway. Michelle Obama fell for the guy who took her out for ice cream!

How has the psychology of the Obama's family and marriage influenced your own life experience? Please comment!

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