Facebook Widows

Dear Therapista,

My husband is on Facebook all day! He has more than five hundred friends! Who are these people anyway? At this point it's official, I'm a full-fledged Facebook Widow. Help!

In desperation,

Frustrated Facebook Widow

As a practicing psychotherapist, I have heard this term, Facebook Widow (or Facebook Widower), more times than I can count. In fact, it is fast becoming one of the most common issues to surface in my psychotherapy practice. In most relationships, it seems that one partner Facebooks and the other doesn't. OR, if both partners are on Facebook, one has hundreds of friends and spends a good deal of time Facebooking while the other never gets around to changing their blue bald alien head photo and simply does not understand what the Facebook rage is all about.

Facebook relationship troubles tend to start out innocently enough. The Facebooker may join Facebook simply for professional reasons or because they have received so many friend requests they figure, why not? Next thing you know, couples are fighting about who has more ex-girlfriends or ex boyfriends as friends, who friended whom ("I forget" being the most common answer to this all-important question) and why it is that people mention things on their status updates that they don't bother to mention to their partner.

Facebook obviously has endless appeal. It helps you keep in touch with old friends and helps you connect with new friends. It also helps you feel in the technological loop by allowing you to scale back your email and communicate in a fashion that resembles those cool, tech-savvy college students. And who doesn't get an ego boost by having an impressive roster of friends?

What's wrong with Facebooking? Everybody is doing it -- in fact, many professions are starting to require it. Facebook has clearly taken our cultural lexicon by storm -- it's ubiquitousness is unprecedented. (Unless, that is, you consider twitter!) If someone is upset by their partner's Facebook habits, why not live by the old adage, if you can't beat em, join em?

In fact, that is just what many frustrated non-Facebookers decide to do.  They join up and friend their way to revenge.  From a psychological perspective, there are a couple of problems with this approach:

a) they don't tend to enjoy Facebook if they are simply joining out of spite; and

b) spiteful Facebooking typically results in a relationship with TWO partners over-emphasizing their cyber life instead of ONE.

There is no simple answer to the Facebook imbalance that exists in many relationships. But I will say that Facebook seems to be opening all kinds of doors that can compromise relationship intimacy. It is so darn easy to friend someone. Chatting via Facebook (on wall or off) is so much more innocent than, say, calling up the cute new guy at the office or, for that matter, your ex. As a result, it seems that Facebook is causing conflict for many couples.

The most common Facebooking phenomenon that occurs involves the escalation of communication with either professional colleagues of the opposite sex OR with one's ex. This usually starts out innocently enough, but then can devolve into situations ranging from simply too much time and energy going to someone outside of your romantic relationship OR into full on, flirtations or emotional affairs. Of course, emotional affairs easily and often escalate into physical affairs, but that's a blog for another day. For now, let's just focus on the concept of energy and how much should go into your real life relationships versus your cyber ones.

The other day, one of my clients -- a self-proclaimed "recovering Facebook junkie" -- said it best:

• "Facebooking is great for those who are never, ever, under any circumstances, going to cheat on their partner. It's also great for cheaters who are going to cheat either way -- Facebook just makes it easier. Facebook represents a serious problem for folks like me -- the teeterers. By that I mean for those of us who are not one hundred percent likely to cheat, but who might, unintentionally, teeter on fidelity's edge. Facebook is to teeterers what a bar is to recovering alcoholics. Don't go there!"

If Facebook frustrations bring you into therapy, my job is to help you figure out WHY you are are a "teeterer" or why it is so hard to tear yourself away from your iphone and connect with your partner.  Therapists tend to delve deep.  But for persons who are simply concerned about blossoming Facebook widowhood, some basic parameters may suffice.

What do you do when you are in a relationship where one person feels like a Facebook widow (widower)? My best advice is to try logging off for a whole weekend. Yes, that's right, a WHOLE WEEKEND! No Facebook AND NO email! If you must email for work, set specific times that you will do so (no more than two times per day!) and stick to those parameters. Then, every time you have the urge to update your status or check your homepage, try asking your partner a question. OR giving your partner a status update. Try putting the same effort, flair and energy into your real life relationship as you do with your cyber ones. You may find great satisfaction from making this effort. If so, seriously consider cutting back on your Facebook time and expanding your real-life relationship face time. If you don't feel satisfied by taking this advice -- OR if you find yourself unable to tear yourself away from Facebook, even for one weekend, you may want to ask yourself how much you have in common with the recovering Facebook junkie quoted above and/ or re-evaluate your relationship.

Are you a facebook widow or widower? Or has your partner complained that they feel like one? Please post a comment!